Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait pas

Friday, September 30, 2005

Just a trainwreck, waiting to happen

My life or lyrics to a Sarah McLachlan song? At the moment, both.

I have had a very turbulent week:

Monday: it was like "all aboard the stupid bus!" time and I had to deal with each and every passenger, patiently and nicely. And I felt like crying, constantly. The non-date was helpful in that he put up with my end of day venting, but not with much else.

Tuesday: more even-keeled

Wednesday: totally great for the most part

Thursday: emotional rollercoaster, too much late-night brain activity, resulting in 2 hours sleep (between 4 am and 6 am) --- thankfully CSI is on pretty much all night

Friday: just had a very weird conversation with the non-date, and any sense of confidence that I thought I had as to where this whole thing was going seems to have evaporated. Am thinking I might actually have to get good and drunk and just ask him where the fuck his head is.

Which brings me to the trainwreck portion of this program.


this is what happened to me opn my lunch hour:

I called a perfect stranger "fuckface" when I mistook him for someone else to whom the term"fuckface" would have been seen as a loving one; almost got my teeth kicked in by a drugged-out panhandler and came too very close to getting my nose pierced. Yes, I am still (amazingly) in one piece and then ...

okay, so things may be turning out better that anticipated, given our exchange earlier today. Back in control, feel like I am reading things right, just turned down an invitation to go out this evening as am already busy with the lovely Tamara, but confirmed an invite for next Thursday for Port & Chocolate. Feeling oh so much better about things now!

Bon weekend mes amis!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

The Puggle!!

This is Decker. He is coming today to stay with the Princess and me again, thus supplementing my penchant for cashmere and hers for walks. Now I am not normally a small dog person but Decker is definitely the exception.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

My sister's felonious past

Some have expressed surprise that I would accuse or suspect my sister of stealing TP from me. Let me give you some insight ...

Bank robbery: many, many years ago we all used to bank at the same bank on Greene Avenue. I opened my first account with the contents of my piggybank when I was about 5 or so. Everyone at the branch new us, paperwork was eschewed and it was not unusual for one of us to do the banking of the other (this was long before the advent of the ATM). However, imagine my surprise when I went one day to make a sizable withdrawal to be told that there were insufficient funds. Apparently my darling sister had taken it upon herself to take a "loan" direct from my account. All banking privileges regarding my account were quickly revoked.

Petty theft: this one ranks among her most embarrassing past transgressions; she "borrowed" the money left out for our cleaning lady. From that day forward neither her laundry nor her room got any attention from the lovely Sarah. She is aware that she will be spending quite a bit of post-living time atoning for this one.

B&E: more than once she has arrived at my office wearing my clothes, having stopped by my house and having forgotten her key (of which she has at last 2 copies), broken in through my bedroom window (which is frighteningly easy) and helped herself to the contents of my closet. And fridge. Though when she does take stuff from the fridge she leaves a note: "took your hummus. yummy"

Petty Theft II: we were at home (my parents'), friends were over, I offered to make the run to the local dep for supplies like cigarettes, chips, etc and took orders. Including hers. I said don't worry about money, I have some in my wallet, we'll settle up when I get back. It was winter. In Montreal. And I was walking. Which was fine, because it was a nice snowy night out and I had to walk the dog anyway. That is until I got to Macs, had everything on the counter, rung up and ready to go when I went into my wallet and guess what? IT WAS EMPTY! Guess who emptied it? That's right, my sister.

All that is in the past (except for the recent clothescapade, but that's okay). So you can now see why it is not out of the realm of possibility that I might think her capable of pilfering the crack crack.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Meet the children

So I spent Saturday with the man I am not dating and his son. And then his daughter joined us. I survived to tell the tale.

According to the son I am, like, dad's coolest friend. How did I achieve such an elevated status so quickly? Well, I knew the best place to get supplies for Halloween costumes, knew that spray starch was the required element for producing the perfect mohawk (again, part of the Halloween costume and I am not so sure dad was impressed with my imparting this info) and, above all, I have skied on some very impressive, apparently, skis (due solely to the fact that my cousin was a Salomon rep and would let me use whatever demos he had handy and so I got to try some pretty nifty stuff. However, that said, I was not all that impressed the extra-wide, dual tips mainly because they are not designed for speed, and I was racing.) However, they did impress son and I'll take that.

We actually had a lovely day --- Stanley Park, coffee, lunch on a sunny patio --- where I almost died, but caught the errant shrimp in my salad before it could do much damage to me. Then daughter came to meet us and my first glimpse of her and she of me was from across the street where I got the very distinct "who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing with my dad" once over. I have never experienced that before. Wow. Anyhow, face to face she was very pleasant and only made one jabbing comment in the car along the lines of well "where do you live?" as if trying to suss out if I was after her dad for his money (I'm not, duh).

Well, that obstacle has been tackled and I emerged relatively unscathed, save for the shrimp incident, but I'll live.

And again, a boy thinks I'm cool =).

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Reality TV??

Who was the braniac who decided that showing the live news coverage of the JetBlue emergency to the passengers on board the bloody plane that was having the landing issues would be a good idea???


Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Charmin --- crack for your posterior??

As I was changing the roll of TP on Sunday (a detail from my life you probably don't need to know, but tuff, you're reading MY blog) I realized that it had lasted a whole week. Now why this is important is because two weeks ago I actually ran out of TP, which was weird. However, it was a Friday morning and I live alone (Maggie doesn't use this particular supply) and knew that I would buy some on the way home from work, so wasn't all that concerned (file running out of TP as just another reason why I need a wife/personal assistant to take care of these details when I am preoccupied with other stuff, like work, non-dating, etc).

Anyway, my sister and a friend dropped by my place to drop off her dog and use the facilities. Finding no TP she did the only other logical thing, used wrapping tissue, thus successfully clogging my toilet. Unable to find my plunger (which is kept under the kitchen sink) she closed the lid, shut the door and left me a note. Imagine my joy when I got home from work, new package of Charmin in hand, to find her note and the clog.

This was over Labour Day weekend and she spent the 3 days with me in the city. The following Sunday, I realized that I was yet again out of TP --- WTF??? 4 rolls in 8 days? That just seemed wrong. This is why I was aware that one roll had lasted me, alone, an entire week, thus causing me to come to one of two logical conclusions possible in this scenario: 1. my sister uses A LOT of TP or 2. she is stealing rolls to try and cut costs. Now she did mention that she found the Charmin especially soft and cushy. You see, she is far more ecologically minded than I am, basically a pinecone eater who wears Prada, and so her TP is of the rough, unbleached, safe and friendly for the environment variety. The Charmin is kind of like crack for her butt. I am thinking she stuffed a roll or two in her bio-degradable, reusable and recyclable bag when she went back home ....

All of this caused me to think of "The Bad Girl's Guide to Getting What You Want" by Cameron Tuttle. Some highlights:

The joy of a bonus

One roll of toilet paper: $0.59
One heist
of toilet paper: $11.21
One year of toilet paper heists: $134.52
you'll never have to buy toilet paper again ... priceless.

Pilfering toilet paper like a pro

Sure you can swipe one roll of toilet paper every day for the rest of
your life. But where's the challenge in that? Where's the thrill? Where's the volume in the volume discount? Besides, it's kind of a buzz kill when you reach into your bag after a few drinks at happy hour and a roll of TP flies out along with your business card and unrolls across the floor, stopping at the feet of the hot guy you were hoping to hook up with. It's far more fun to challenge yourself and stage a monthly TP heist when you're sure you'll be going straight home.

One roll under your hat.

One flattened in each bra cup.

One tucked into each arm pit.

Six to eight threaded on a large belt around your waist under a coat.

One (wrapped in foil) on a long silver chain around your neck.

Two to four stuffed down your pantyhose if you're wearing a skirt or in
your kneesocks if wearing pants.

Two to four (depending upon shoe size) taped to the soles of your shoes, transforming them into temporary

So my question to you is this: Have you ever stolen TP??

Monday, September 19, 2005

To surf or not to surf, that is the question

Last week I was at the receiving end of a rather light-handed invitation:

"I still have that extra spot booked at surf camp. Why don't you come?"

I was then sent the URL's for both the camp and flight information.

Reasons not to go:

  1. can't afford it
  2. the thought of spending the better part of a week in a bathing suit in public fills me with a huge sense of dread
  3. passport out of date (though could get one in 5 days for a fee)
  4. can't afford it
  5. not clear on the sleeping arrangements

Reasons to go:

  1. hello, surfing in Mexico for a week
  2. away from here for a week
  3. not clear on the sleeping arrangements
  4. it could quite possibly be very fun and would make for a great story

So, this is my dilemma. The sane and rational side of my brain says: "Under no circumstances do you go to Mexico to surf camp with that person at the end of October". The fun and reckless side says "WTF ---go, you idiot!! You can find the money, you have the time coming, you're over 18, what/who will it hurt??"

Currently the sane side is winning.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Super Maggie to the rescue!!!

I know this may come as a shock to you dear readers, but sometimes, just sometimes, I'm not so bright. I am also in a huge state of denial over the fact that summer is drawing to a close and the days are getting shorter and it is, therefore, getting darker earlier. Combine those two factors and you have what happened to me last night.

Got home, traded the suit for my dog-walking duds (I actually wore REAL SHOES to the office for the first time in like 4 months!!!!) and off we set for the woods. I had some stuff to mull over (like an off-handed invitation to surf camp in Mexico this October which will be discussed in another post) so decided to go for the long version of the walk. Mutt Face was thrilled, natch.

Half-way back I noticed that it was far darker than I was comfortable with it being and I hadn't had the forethought to bring my handy-dandy and very fashionable Petzel (halogen hiking headlamp for the uninitiated). D'oh!!! Oh, well, no choice but to carry on as I had to get out of the woods somehow.

All of a sudden I heard a very loud woosh-woosh coming from somewhere and then it was on me --- AN OWL! Attacking my ponytail!!!!!!! HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT!!!!! I am absolutely terrified of flying things, even, to quote young Art Lad, common-fucking-finches (Thomas did not use "fucking" - my artistic licence). This was my worst nightmare come true. HOLYMOTHERFUCKINGSHIT I am going to die right here in the woods at the talons of this owl.

And then, SUPER MAGGIE TO THE RESCUE! She was up ahead of me but heard my pathetic screeching and came charging back, in full bark mode --- snarling and snapping and barking like there was no tomorrow. That damn owl took off but quick.

I eventually stopped shaking and leashed Super Maggie so as to keep her by my side in case that pesky bird decided to come back for round 2. She got extra yummy treats and lots and lots of tummy rubs when we got home.

Good to know I can count on her in an emergency .....

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Whoever did this video is genius, seriously

Now I am not a fan of boy bands, my love for Robbie Williams notwithstanding, but only since he left Take That, but the new Backstreet Boys video for "Just want you to know" is frickin' fabulous!! Seriously --- perhaps the best mullet wigs I have ever seen, the clothes, the hair, the style, the guy holding the girl's hair back as she pukes in the parking lot, the toilet paper rammed up the driver's nose (Kevin??), Nick Carter's facial expressions as he sings along in the car, the way the whole damn thing is filmed -- I am so loving this video. It comes straight out of Heavy Metal Parking Lot. I saw Aerosmith at the Worcester Centrum in 1985 or 1986 and 95% of the crowd looked just like this rag-tag crew. They have every detail down and it is riveting. Trust me, start lurking around on MuchMusic or MTV or whatever your video station of choice is. it is very much worth it.

That's all

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Further Adventures in Non-Dating

The next non-date was to be a Saturday hike up the back of Cypress Mountain with Maggie. "I'll pick you up around noon" was how we left things Friday.


Saturday morning I took the mutt out for an early run and then brush her to make her even more fabulous than she already is (and we have established that she's fabulous, right??). Then I showered and shaved (??!!), buffed and puffed, moisturized, etc. Okay, I'll stop now. Suffice to say I was looking and smelling quite delicious. I had already agonized over what hiking ensemble to don so that I would look as fetching as possible, yet still be able to pull off the "this is what I found on the floor and what we always wear when trudging through the back country" act. I was positively giddy. Hair was next --- you know the look that takes ages to achieve but looks like you just rolled out of bed and have every intention of going right back there? Yeah, that one. But I never got there.

The phone rang. It was the very sheepish and pathetic sounding non-date. Bailing. Seems his brother's bachelor party the night before had got the better of him. (now I knew that this was a possibility, but had hoped he might have been sensible the night before, but no)

I was all cool and nonchalant and told him that Maggie would give him a much harder time about cancelling than I would, blah, blah, blah, you're too old for this crap (he's 44), blah, blah. We'll chat next week. Fine.


No matter, I called Tamara and off we went to a matinee of "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" (not bad, but not nearly as scary as anticipated or hoped for).

FF to Monday - When I got back to the office from lunch, one of the girls stopped and asked if it was my birthday (May 30 for those keeping track. Gifts are, of course, always welcome). Nope, why? Well, there's a bouquet of flowers on your desk so I thought ....

Yippee!!! Must be "sorry about bailing Saturday, I'm a dumbass, let's go for dinner so that I can wine and dine you in the way you deserve" flowers!!!!


Which is not to take away from the flowers, the person who sent them or the sentiment behind them. They are lovely and it was very thoughtful and certainly brightened my Monday.

3 weeks ago my life was nice and simple and uncomplicated. Now I am all edgy and fluttery and uncertain. Basically NOT IN CONTROL and this is not a way I like to be.

So, for the moment, as far as I am concerned, and with some exceptions, and you know who you are and know that I love you madly:

Monday, September 12, 2005

More Gratuitous Maggie

again, I know I am biased, but please --- SHE'S FAB-U-LOUS!!!
(photo courtesy of Marcus)



A friend's last pap experience:

She's on the table, legs spread, doc about to do his thing when the window cleaner appeared in the window directly opposite the exam table. End of exam.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Stalking Hugh Jackman

The perks of having this new office are endless ---- X3 is setting up shop directly under my window, so I can work productively (!!) and stalk Mr. Jackman all at the same time.

Ain't multi-tasking grand??

Happy Friday!

(sunny disposition has, apparently, returned)

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Sunny disposition creeping back ....

Okay, so the moods improving, or maybe I'm just too bloody tired to care anymore. No matter, I am no longer having homicidal urges (though working in criminal law does have its perks --- I know how to make it so that I would get off ...) and that's a most excellent thing.

Making me smile today:

  • quite possibly the best looking man I have seen in a long while (and this includes the non-date) walking past past me when I arrived at work this morning, at 7:30, and yes, I was caught staring
  • that all this overtime is going to afford me some nifty new duds for fall
  • my friends keep sending me silly things via email to help cheer me up --- THANK YOU!!
  • it is still sunny and I have this fabulous window in my temporary office digs so I can bask in all the sunny goodness, not to mention watch the freaks at the courthouse fountain, which include shirtless guy (not a happy sight) and the guys who seem to spend endless hours and days cleaning the fountain, and the sea gulls and geese hang out in the water
  • another possible non-date is in the wings

And on that note, to satisfy Wade's astute curiosity as to how it was that my sister met him, you see, Paula met me for lunch last Monday and on our way back to the office we ran into him (kind of, anyway) so they met and her take was as follows: very attractive, excellent handshake (a MUST), good smile, pants were a tad too high (we can fix that) and he did the arm touch thing a couple of times (I did not notice that) and I didn't flinch, which for me is saying something (one might say that I have large personal boundaries and tend to recoil when someone goes to, say, hug me or something). An overall positive assessment, though being divorced with 2 teenage kids is just slightly intimidating and on my "list" of criterion of what NOT to look for when dating someone, or not dating someone as the case may be.

and it's my mum's birthday today -- Happy Birthday Mum!!!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Absolutely foul

is how to describe me right now. I am feeling so angry and pissed off and edgy and mean that I pretty much want to smack anyone and everyone who crosses my path upside the head. There are permanent tooth marks in my tongue.

I have been feeling this way for several days now and am done with it. I want my normal sunny disposition back. I hate feeling this way. I can find no cause or reason for my mood other than I probably really need to take a holiday and don't currently have the time or resources to do so.

What I really want to do is go hide somewhere with some excellent trashy novels, drink copious amounts of wine and chainsmoke 18 packs of cigarettes.

I'll let you know how it turns out.

Monday, September 05, 2005

To the pound!!!!

I worked most of yesterday, Labour day, and it was a welcome refuge from the chaotic hell that was my home this weekend.

Leaving the office Friday night I was eagerly anticipating my first "down" weekend all summer --- no weddings, parties, onerous obligations, NOTHING that I was required to do or attend. Sheer bliss. Yeah, whatever.

Got home Friday to find a note from my sister: Sorry, toilet plugged. SHIT (literally). That fixed I walked the mutts, 3 of them, fed them and then settled on the couch with a glass of wine and the remote control.

Paula was at Pearl Jam with a freind and they were both to stay chez moi, so I camped out on the couch. Woke up at 3:30 and no one was home yet. At 4:45, however, Paula arrived home, escorted by her bf, (who promptly left) and she then spent the next 3 hours of so dashing to the loo. it seems there was an abundance of dope being smoked at the concert, not actually by my sister, but in her general area, rendering her very, very ill. [weird Vancouver aside: if you dare light a cigarette, an angry mob descends upon you like you are the devil himself. but want to spark a fatty? go for it!!!] Thank goodness I fixed the first toilet problem ....

Saturday was pretty uneventful --- Paula spent most of it, save for running the 12 k to the West End to fetch her car (have I mentioned here yet that she is slightly mental??) on my couch napping with the puggle, a girlfriend came over and we all watched movies -- suprisingly I can highly recomemnd "The Upside of Anger". Kevin Costner didn't suck (!!) and the relationship between the mum (Joan Allen) and her 4 daughters was fabulous.

Then came Sunday.

My big plan was to meet the girls at 11:30 for brunch. That's it. Paula left earlier than me to meet up with the bf and his brother and gf so I was left to, again, walk to mutts. This should have been a no-brainer, and it was, until Trudy, Paula's dog, picked up the scent of bacon. I spent the next 1 1/2 hours searching for her in the GD pouring rain. She turned up about 6 blocks from my house.

Way behind schedule, I eventually made it to brunch and returned home

1 1/2 hours in the pouring rain looking for her yesterday morning (precious had taken off from the canyon, up the embankment, across Cap Road in search of bacon) and another 45 yesterday evening spent roaming the BP's.
then Decker stole a chicken right out of Maggie's dish (bigger than him and he does not eat raw) and proceeded to eat it (and loved it and was none the worse for wear)

and Maggie rolled in a vast amount of bear shit

and Paula plugged my toilet Friday afternoon, which meant I had to "fix" it when I got home that night, and it was not pretty, then she arrived home at 4:30 a.m. from the Pearl Jam concert and spent the next couple of hours hurling in my bathroom (too much dope at the concert, though she was not smoking any)

my planless, eventfulless, peaceful "all about me" weekend was most definitely OFF