I was sorting through some old emails last night and came across one that I had sent to, well let's call him the Sailor, after finding out through the office grapevine that he had gone on a romantic getaway over the Christmas holidays.
"either you are just plain stupid or are really good at acting it or are just plain mean --- I can't quite decide which
listen, I know you don't owe me anything in the way of an explanation, but common courtesy might be nice ---- how do you think it felt to hear about your booking a romantic getaway over the Christmas holidays as part of office gossip?? you move on pretty damn quickly which makes me wonder all sorts of things
if you wanted to hurt me, you did. congratulations.
quite frankly, I expected better of you and this just makes me question everything about you and everything that you have said and makes me feel like a complete idiot for having actually thought you were a decent person and for caring about you at all. you know I actually thought that there was an outside chance that we could have at some point been friends again, but I guess not. and that makes me very sad, because I did so value your friendship. "
his reply (part of it anyway):
"Please accept my apologies for having acted in a way that was hurtful to you. I have always treated you honestly and with integrity and will continue to do so.
I too had hoped we could see a friendship survive what has happened, and still hope for that. I also would be happy to support you as you look to move to another organization, presuming that is still your intent."
All the pain and anger and hurt that I felt at the time came flooding back and made my head spin. And I am involved with this same man again? Am I insane?? Maybe. But wow, have I changed since that email a year ago. I am stronger and more confident and self-assured and happy.
He, the Sailor, is dealing with some residual baggage from his marriage and the wreck he made of his own life last year. He is taking some time for some intense "personal counselling" but I see a light at the end of this tunnel and don't feel any of the hurt or anguish or uncertainty that this would have caused me last time.
Seriously, what a difference a year makes.