Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait pas

Monday, October 17, 2005

Train wreck, again

Yeah, so it seems I've dropped 10 pounds (1 and a bit dress sizes) in the last 2 weeks, can survive on 3 hours of sleep and night and need nothing more than 8 coffees a day and the occasional glass of wine to keep me alive. Oh, and I am jonesing for a cigarette like you wouldn't believe, but I WILL NOT give in to that temptation.

Why? Yup, that's right, the Non-Date.

We went to a wedding together yesterday --- an old friend of his second. We had a lovely time. I had a great outfit. He was the perfect date. He referred to us as "we" throughout --- as is "we'll have them over for dinner" and "we'll get together with them when I get back from holiday". It felt great. I felt confident and fabulous and all that stuff.

It was a noon wedding and so we left by 4. We then went for a long walk at the beach in the pouring rain (we changed out of the party clothes), then back to his place for tea, then he made us dinner and we talked and talked and talked about EVERYTHING except what I needed/wanted to talk about. There were a few opportune times when it would have been perfect to bring it up, but his ex-wife called 3 times. He asked me each time if I minded if he picked up. Of course not, it could be about the kids or something equally important. (it was the first time; the second and third were about stereo/video hookups). That weirded me out, so I backed off. He drove me home at 11.

I think I maybe got to sleep at 4 a.m., up at 7 and at the office by 8:30. I look like HELL.

Here's the thing: he is going to Mexico Wednesday morning for 2 weeks (the trip I am not going on). I thought I could wait until he got back to ask him where I/we/he stands. I can't. So, I emailed him about an hour ago to see if he had time for me at some point tonight. haven't heard. I feel like I am going to throw up.

When I am with him I am happy and content. When I am not, I am a raving lunatic. This is very new to me, the control and emotionally stunted freak that I am.

Happy, happy times in my life at the moment.

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