Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait pas

Monday, November 14, 2005

we need to talk

Quite possibly the 4 most dreaded words in the English language, especially when uttered in terms of a budding relationship. Well boys and girls I was on the receiving end of those words last week and am still reeling. Once the vomiting and crying stopped I was kind of able to look at the situation rationally. Here's what happened.

Saturday night: dinner party, fabulous time, the "not just a torrid affair" line was delivered, happy, happy Kathryn

Sunday morning: slightly awkward, but to be expected, still a happy girl

Monday & Tuesday: spoke with him briefly both days, but was okay with that as I knew he was ridiculously busy (we work at the same place, I know what he's up to) and also knew we had plans for Friday so was not worried.

Wednesday morning: got an email from him "I'm not ignoring you, just completely consumed with work and it looks like I will be Friday and all weekend. Will keep you apprised." My reply: 'didn't think you were ignoring me, but thanks for the note. I appreciate it."

Wednesday night: He calls on his way home from work, around 8 "can I come over?" "sure, any particular reason?" (am not all that thrilled as have just come in from a run, am tired and hungry and have a headache) "yes, we have to talk" "about...." "last weekend" "oh, okay then"

He arrives, I basically flinch when he goes to kiss me, knowing what's coming, and he proceeds to tell me that he thought he was ready for this, but realizes now that he's not and wants to go back to where we were before the weekend, you know, just dating and doing stuff and taking it slow. He stayed for a few hours, long enough for me to know that I did not wnat to loose him, and then left. I did not cry in front of him, but sure made up for it once he was out the door.

What did the emotional and irrational Kathryn hear?? "The thought of being with you makes me physically sick".

I know that's not what he said, but that's what I heard.

I asked him why he had started this thing in the first place, it was all him, his idea, his pace, etc. I was (am) a willing participant, but totally followed his lead.

I wanted to see where it would go, was the response. I love spending time with you and doing things with you an being with you, it's just that I can't give you all of me right now (divorce, kids, work, etc.)

Well, babe, here it is. Here is where it has gone. Happy??

I guess I am the most dispensable stress at the moment.

So here we are, in relationship limbo, still friends, still technically "dating", I can't keep food down (though wine works), my house is SPOTLESS, I have redecorated my apartment (it looks fabulous). I don't regret it, I am just pissed as hell at him for making me act like this. It would a whole hell of a lot easier if I could just tell him to fuck right off and get the hell out of my life, but I can't.

So, I guess I'll wait. And give him whatever space and time he needs and trust that he will, in fact, come to his bloody senses sooner rather than later. The only thing I know for certain is that I want him in my life, and NOT as a "buddy".

On a happier note, I have a fun visitor arriving later this week for the weekend. I am sure there will be many amusing tales to tell (if I am permitted to do so ...).

Jill --- romantic comedy enough for you?? I am waiting for the comedy part.

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