everything and nothing

Another chapter in the ongoing saga that is my romantic life:

Last we checked he was doing some personal counselling work and getting some rather important issues, like um, getting divorced, dealt with. This involved lots of alone time which of course resulted in not much us time. That's been a blast as you can imagine.

But whatever, it's not forever and quite frankly I would rather him deal with this stuff now and then we can get on with the business of getting on.

So tonight we actually went out, together, for a couple of hours and it was really nice (though we talk and email on a pretty much daily basis, we have only actually seen each other once since New Years). It was good to see him and whatever counselling, personal work or navel-gazing he's doing seems to be working. This is all very positive.

We talked and talked and talked about pretty much everything under the sun except what I really wanted to talk about, needed to talk about. That is -- where do I fit in when this personal exploration is done? It's not like I am siting home by the phone waiting for him to call, because I'm not. However, I'm also not exactly out there exploring my options either.

What I really need to ask is: is this all worth the wait?

As they say, only time will tell.

what a difference a year makes

I was sorting through some old emails last night and came across one that I had sent to, well let's call him the Sailor, after finding out through the office grapevine that he had gone on a romantic getaway over the Christmas holidays.

an excerpt:

"either you are just plain stupid or are really good at acting it or are just plain mean --- I can't quite decide which

listen, I know you don't owe me anything in the way of an explanation, but common courtesy might be nice ---- how do you think it felt to hear about your booking a romantic getaway over the Christmas holidays as part of office gossip?? you move on pretty damn quickly which makes me wonder all sorts of things

if you wanted to hurt me, you did. congratulations.

quite frankly, I expected better of you and this just makes me question everything about you and everything that you have said and makes me feel like a complete idiot for having actually thought you were a decent person and for caring about you at all. you know I actually thought that there was an outside chance that we could have at some point been friends again, but I guess not. and that makes me very sad, because I did so value your friendship. "

his reply (part of it anyway):

"Please accept my apologies for having acted in a way that was hurtful to you. I have always treated you honestly and with integrity and will continue to do so.

I too had hoped we could see a friendship survive what has happened, and still hope for that. I also would be happy to support you as you look to move to another organization, presuming that is still your intent."

All the pain and anger and hurt that I felt at the time came flooding back and made my head spin. And I am involved with this same man again? Am I insane?? Maybe. But wow, have I changed since that email a year ago. I am stronger and more confident and self-assured and happy.

He, the Sailor, is dealing with some residual baggage from his marriage and the wreck he made of his own life last year. He is taking some time for some intense "personal counselling" but I see a light at the end of this tunnel and don't feel any of the hurt or anguish or uncertainty that this would have caused me last time.

Seriously, what a difference a year makes.